Decades later,
the memory of playing Barbies with my mom remains vivid in my mind. The
surprise of the unexpected “yes” when I asked her if she’d like to
play. The shock as I watched her express animated emotions and silly gestures
through the skinny plastic doll. This woman who sat across from me delighted me
in every way as she playfully revealed those parts of her that are witty and
fun. Those parts that were so often suffocated by the vast responsibilities of
feeding and caring for a household full of young children. I laughed so hard my
belly ached.
It’s
summer time, and I frantically consider a variety of ways to alleviate the future
guilt of a summer that may not have been “fun enough.” I imagine my children
heading back to the first day of school and consider the inevitable question
posed to the students by their teachers, “What did you do this summer? Write a
paragraph. Draw a picture. Share with the class.” And I fear that their answers
will pale in comparison to that of their friends. I know we won’t be going to
Europe this summer. Hawaii isn’t on the list of places to see. And so I anxiously
consider ways of filling their schedule with acceptable activities such as swim
lessons, beach days, a trip up north.
While
planning fun activities for our children does have clear value and merit, it
cannot overshadow the vital importance of how we do things. In fact, a stripped down summer with a present parent could
conceivably overshadow the most impressive summer plans because children
flourish in the gentle rain of playfulness.
My question
for you this summer is how can you as a parent access that space within you
that is unpressured, playful, and warm? How can the “relaxed you” crawl out
from underneath the yoke of doing for
your children to find the simple pleasure of being with your children? What follows is a list of a few initial
ideas.
1. Find space to refuel: Tired and overwhelmed parents are not the
most playful crowd! Giving yourself time apart from your children allows you to
see your kids with fresh eyes. Date nights, a few minutes of uninterrupted time
with a good book, or even sending your kids on an errand with the other parent or a family friend can provide the opportunity for you to be alone in your own home. Behavioral psychologists have observed that preschool age children make a demand or request of their parents an average of 3 times per minute! Uninterrupted mental space is powerful for parting those clouds of
seriousness and fatigue.
2. Choose easier paths: Pinterest might suggest that everything should
look perfect, but “perfect” may have a price tag that's just too high. Find a simple way to
celebrate a birthday, use a grocery delivery service, remind yourself that you are not your clean house. Children
and messes go hand in hand. Relax some standards at home.
3. Cultivate your imagination: Recall a time when you were playful
or funny (or someone you knew was playful and funny). Reflect on the details.
What were you doing? How were you feeling? How did your child(ren) respond? Just
like perusing online meal plans gives you new ideas for cooking, thinking about
playfulness can help you to access your own dormant frivolity.
4. Experiment with playfulness: Plan a funny conversation starter
over the dinner table, make up family jokes, do an online search for family
bonding activities, get out of the house and away from the demands of home and
do something different.
5. Follow the lead of your kids: Kids are experts at play. Resist
the urge to be cruise director and adopt the role of observer and follower. Let
your kids lead you in what they do best. Give it a creative name and a time
limit. “For the next 20 minutes, you are the ring leader. You come up with the
fun and I will follow you.” The other day, my son chose Lego competitions. He provided
a pile of random Legos and themes for us to build such as “what you like best about
the other person” or “your dream house.”
This
list is by no means exhaustive. As you make your way your way through summer, come
up with your own strategies for finding playfulness and feel free to share your
wisdom and experience with us. Do us a favor and post them in the comments. We
can all learn from each other!